When you’d rather know sooner rather than later.
When would you rather know you’re dating someone who isn’t a good match for you? Is it already a month? Or two years later, when you’re both co-parenting multiple house plants and sharing an apartment?
Almost everybody will prefer the first choice. Dating can be exhausting enough at times. Anyone will be disappointed when they discover they are incompatible with someone after months or years of commitment.
It’s understandable that people don’t see symptoms of incompatibility right away. Who needs to dwell on a person’s flaws because they’re drawn to them? Especially when there are more exciting characteristics to discuss, such as a person’s zodiac sign or a mutual love of a local folk band.
However, a relationship’s long-term viability isn’t determined by first-date butterflies. Compatibility is defined by a person’s larger characteristics, such as beliefs, morality, aspirations, and wishes. So, if you’re looking for a long-term mate, be on the lookout for these incompatibilities that can be detected early in a relationship.
You don’t have the same sense of humor as me.
In 2017, I began dating a 12-year-old former coworker. There was a slew of excuses why we didn’t get along in the first place. Yet there was one glaringly apparent attribute that I overlooked all too often: our disparate senses of humor.
My boyfriend at the time made sexist and racial remarks. It left a sour taste in my mouth, and I sometimes spoke out about how insulted I was by his comments, but I mostly dismissed them as insignificant.
They were, though. Putting aside the fact that I don’t want to be with someone who is racist or homophobic, I place a high emphasis on humor in my relationships. I like seeing people happy, even though I am usually the one doing the laughing.
Yet I want to share my happiness with the guy with whom I’m in a relationship. I don’t think I’d like to spend time with them if their jokes are crude or if I don’t find them amusing.
Your sexual desires are just the same.
I used to believe that there was only one kind of safe sex drive. Either you like that every day or there’s something wrong with you. So, even though I didn’t want to, I’d push myself to have sex just to please whoever I was dating at the moment.
Following that, I found my new boyfriend. And it was only after spending time with him and hearing all about people with low sex drives that I knew there was nothing wrong with me. My ex-boyfriends and I simply had opposite sex drives, something I’m glad I no longer have to contend with.
If you have a strong sex desire, look for someone who has one as well. If sex isn’t high on your priority list, be with someone who shares your sentiments. That’s what there is to it. No one should feel ashamed or resentful of their mate because their sexual needs are on opposite sides of the continuum.
You have different perspectives on the future.
Returning to the need for a long-term relationship, don’t be shy to inquire into someone’s life aspirations early in the dating process. Why isn’t this a question you ask on the first few dates whether you’re confident you want to marry and have children?
There’s a distinction to be made between telling someone if they want children with you and asking if they want children in general. Don’t be afraid to ask these types of questions because you’re afraid they’ll make others uncomfortable.
Since many long-term couples break up because they have different thoughts of what they want for the future. They either refuse to confront reality or wish that their mate will reconsider. If they don’t, they’re faced with the impression like they shouldn’t have ignored their incompatibility in the first place.
One of you is nervous, and the other is averse to the attachment.
Identifying a person’s attachment style may be a useful aid in your love life. But first, it’s critical to comprehend your own. You will find a perfect questionnaire to help you figure out what yours is here.
Attachment styles are significant because they affect how an adult will perceive intimacy. If you have an anxious, avoidant, or anxious-avoidant personality, you’ll want to avoid the anxious-avoidant vortex.
People who have an insecure attachment seldom hang out with someone who is avoidant. A nervous person longs for closeness, while an avoidant person would go to whatever length to avoid contact in a relationship.
Before you know it, you’re involved in a cat-and-mouse challenge that isn’t really enjoyable. I’ve played it a few times already, and it’s by far the worst dating experience I’ve ever had.
At first, there’s a strong attraction.
“Why is a spark a bad thing?” you may wonder. Isn’t that going to be the answer to my question?” To which I reply, for the most part, no.
When people meet someone new, they can experience an immediate spark because they are insecure, afraid, or anxious. Instant chemistry isn’t really a reliable predictor of compatibility and it can indicate other, sometimes dangerous, factors.
Dorothy Tennov, a dating counselor, coined the word limerance to describe the extreme, obsessed feelings people get while dating someone new. It is often misunderstood as a “spark,” but it can cause a great deal of sadness and anguish in a person’s life.
According to behavioral science Logan Ury, “fireworks” with someone right away may be an indication of how arrogant they are or whether they are just a player. Just because someone makes you butterflies doesn’t mean they’ll take good care of you or work well with you when you’re ill.
Your differences aren’t taken into account.
My boyfriend and I have completely dissimilar interests. I enjoy reading and tending to my plants. He’d rather spend the evening playing computer games and sipping whiskey from his extensive set.
Although I am uninterested in whisky or World of Warcraft, I admire my boyfriend’s enthusiasm for both. We may not agree on anything, but we do respect each other’s differences in our relationship.
They don’t respect you if they make you feel guilty for being different from them. Although you may feel fine about giving up a hobby or not minding their snide remarks, it can gradually wear you down.
Esteem is, after all, a crucial part of any long-term relationship.
Although some of these symptoms can be worked on in long-term marriages, they can be avoided if you’re on the market or dating anyone young. In the long term, it’s easier to meet someone with whom you’re compatible rather than attempting to reconcile major discrepancies between you.
A compatible relationship also feels stronger in general. I’m happy I came across one, and I hope you do as well.